little Ed riding hood
by DragonGirl90
Summary: beloved fairy tales, mixed with characters that are not compleatly brainwashed... fun! rated for language
1. Little Ed Rideing hood

**This is completely and utterly the result of too much sugar and caffeine and too little fanfiction, my mom banned me for most of the summer so I could not vent at all and look what it gets! It gets this high thing, it is not the worst I have ever written but honestly it is pretty crazy. This is the first chapter they are all going to be one-shots with no real relationship to each other aside from the fact that I took beloved children's stories and put the FMA crew in. they have scripts but likely will only follow them if I shout at them, we here you go**

**Ed: only you have the power to save us, tell her to stop! I beg you make her stop!**

**Get in your coat and on with the story! And I don't own FMA or any of these now twisted to barest recognition stories thank you!**

Ch 1 little (who are you calling short) Ed riding hood.

"Brother, Pinako needs this basket of goodies!" Al chirped to his brother who was lounging on the sofa in his trademarked red coat.

"Basket of goodies? What are we in a kid's story or what?" Ed growled "who says 'basket of goodies' in real life?"

"Uhm… the script says that you need to take it to her house in the middle of the woods because she is sick… oh no you don't think she has what mom got do you?!" Al said ignoring his brother because he is a good, author fearing boy.

"Since when does she live in the middle of the woods? And how are 'goodies' going to help her she needs a doctor, not sweets!" Ed questioned though he did hope that Pinako was going to be ok.

"Just do what the author wants and perhaps things will make sense again soon brother." Al sighed, handing Ed a handmade woven basket full of muffins, cookies, brownies, and pie.

"I don't dance for that crazy girl" Ed growled but found himself talking to a tree as he and the basket were teleported to the edge of the woods "you had something to do with this didn't you Alex?!" Ed shouted at the sky.

"Follow the script and deliver the damn basket to the middle of the woods 'Little Ed Riding Hood'" a voice came out of nowhere.

"Who are you calling so short he could fall into a kid's story and get lost in it?!" Ed spazed followed by a moment of silence as he waited for a reply from the author he knew was listening.

"You did" the voice said after a pause trying to hold back laughter "now I will help you get a move on I need to torment Roy next" suddenly the environment changed again, Ed was in the middle of the woods on a path marked 'grandma's house three miles' pointing to the deeper and darker part of the woods.

"It always is the dark part of the woods" Ed sighed to himself and began walking he rather liked the idea of Roy torture rather than the authors weird bent of Ed torture.

"Hey pipsqueak" Envy said emerging from a bush dressed in a really fake gray wolf outfit.

"Don't call me short!" Ed shouted before noticing the homunculus's costume then he fell down from laughing too hard while Envy just got more pissed.

"What are you laughing at shrimp?!" Envy growled kicking Ed in the side while he rolled on the ground laughing.

"at least I don't have to dress up like an idiot" Ed said as he caught his breath again and stood up he enjoyed seeing the sin dressed like an idiot so much he missed the short comment for an additional three seconds "and I am not short!" he shouted finally noticing.

"I aught to kill you right now for that" Envy growled glaring at Ed.

"So how did she get you into that thing?" Ed asked still quite amused

Envy paused looking terrified as he flashed back…

_He was kicking some puppy and doing other Envy things when two people showed up, one was a girl with glasses and the other was a blond man dressed much like greed._

"_Hi Envy!" the girl chirped, "Could I ask you a favor?"_

"_What the hell?!" Envy was caught off guard as the man suddenly got behind him and grabbed him. "Big mistake bastard" Envy growled only to be thwarted in his escape attempts, he even tried changing shape but the man held fast._

"_I knew you would never agree" the girl said glancing at her rather long nails and not paying much attention to the sin, in fact she looked board. "So that really wasn't a question, rather you will do as I say" she looked up at him, smiling evilly and a dark glint in her eye. "Xilon, playtime is over, bring him, we have work to do" she demanded of the man. Envy shouted bloody murder as they dragged him off and he found out that there are scarier things than the gate can offer._

…"None of your business shrimp!" Envy recovered shouting at Ed.

"I told you to stop calling me that!!!" Ed shouted back

"Anyway I'm hungry give me that basket of food" Envy said smelling the yummy treats inside the basket.

"Take it I don't care." Ed shrugged tossing the basket, only to have it hit him in the head as it flew back at him.

"That is not in the script damnit Ed!" the voice came and suddenly Envy got wide eyed and curled up in the fetal position whimpering and sucking one of his pawed thumbs.

"I don't give a damn what you want!" Ed shouted back rubbing his injured head, and what the hell is with girls and hitting me in the head with things?!"

"Crazy girl" Envy muttered still freaked out from hearing the voice and spaced out.

"Do you or do you not want Roy torture?"

"How much more of this is there for me?" Ed tried bargaining.

"If you follow the script not much this is a short story."

"Fine, but you better make it worth it" Ed growled he received evil giggling and 'it will be trust me' followed by more giggling as a response. Ed grinned liking that response "let's see here" he pulled out a script from the basket. "Ok… sorry wolf this is for my sick granny" Ed said grimacing at how corny that sounded.

"Is she gone?" Envy whimpered looking around.

"Likely if you follow her stupid rules" Ed stated impatiently "get a move on would ya, I want to end this now!"

Envy stood up, brushed the dirt off his costume, and pulled out a script of his own "uh… that's sweet, but the woods are dangerous for a little kid like you."

"What?! Who are you calling short?!" Ed growled.

"Let me… escort you, to keep you safe from wild animals"

"I can damn well take care of myself, go to hell" Ed growled crushing the script and tossing it behind him as he started to walk down the path to granny's house.

Suddenly a sign popped up in front of Envy saying short cut to granny's house, pointing down the other path. Envy shrugged and followed the path after looking at the script. He soon reached the small cottage and found the door open. He walked in and saw Pinako sitting in a chair smoking her pipe.

"It says to eat her?!" Envy said out loud reading the script "gross that's Gluttony's thing not mine" he growled.

"Pinako I got the goodies" Ed called coming in the house and saw Envy and Pinako there.

"Uhm… Grrr I'm a wolf" Envy said hoping that the crazy girl would take pity on him and not blame him for this plot failure.

"forget the damn script I feel the need to hurt something" Ed growled dropping the basket and getting into a fight with Envy, the fight was broken up when Ed and Envy were both knocked out by shrapnel from the wall blowing up. Scar in a woodcutters outfit walked in.

"This is not how it was supposed to happen" the bespectacled girl came in after him looking at the mess, "Xilon lets just go to the next story"

Scar looked at her and then became the blond man Envy had seen with her when he was recruited, "yeah, this story is shot to hell" he said looking at the mess while Pinaco just watched from her chair.

"Seems so, it might have been more fun if we really got Scar, but then Ed might have been killed, oh well" she turned and began walking away. Xilon followed behind her laughing to himself.

**R&R... the other stories will be updated soon... or taken down if i can not finish... life hits hard when you are a college bound seinor in high school**


	2. CindeRoy

**Ed: time for Roy torment?**

**Me: yes Ed get the popcorn, it is now time for…**

Ch 2 CindeRoy

"CindeRoy!" a shrill voice called from down below. Roy opened his eyes, had he fallen asleep at work again? "CindeRoy!"

Roy groaned looking around at the dingy attic he found himself in "where am I? I bet Fullmetal had something to do with this."

"Yo! CindeRoy! Get you ass down here!" the voice calling from downstairs shouted before the door was flung open, and Envy stood there glaring at Roy.

"Eat Flame Homunculus!" Roy shouted snapping his fingers only to have nothing happen.

"…whatever looks like the bitch got your gloves Sparky." Envy said watching Roy snap over and over.

"Is he coming?" another voice yelled from downstairs.

"If he's not I'm throwin' him down. I am not taking the heat from that psycho bitch!" Envy grinned looking at Roy.

"_Envy try to keep the language down! This is supposed to be a children's story!" _a voice came from the roof and Envy shuddered a little.

"You let Ed swear!" he retaliated while Roy looked for where the voice was coming from unused to this whole thing.

"_He is a cute little runt; you are just an annoying freak"_

"_WHO ARE YOU CALLING A RUNT?!"_

Roy blinked hearing Ed's voice from the roof as well.

"_Shut up you! You have no part in this story!"_

"_I do now give me that keyboard"_

"_Get off!"_

"_No"_

"_Xilon help me!"_

"_Why?"_

"_Why?! You damn muse!"_

"_Ha got it! And I'm never giving it back!"_

"_Get back here!"_

Suddenly the floor under Roy and Envy disappeared sending the two falling to the room below and on top of Greed who had been unfortunately under them at the time.

"What the hell is going on here?! Fullmetal!" Roy growled.

"…ow… I thought she said this wouldn't hurt…" Envy moaned picking himself up.

All three looked up when they heard a loud scream and Ed fell on top of them all.

"_There now you are stuck in the story runt… and now let's see how we can edit this to fit now…"_

"No please let me back out, I'm sorry! Please!" Ed shouted panicked as Envy laughed.

"_What thinks you Xilon?"_

"_I think we should…"_ the rest of the sentence was lost as he whispered it but they all heard an evil laugh after he was done.

"_Good, but no, that part is already cast…yo! Edo! Do you swear on Al's life that you will not interfere with this story anymore?"_

"_Why bring me into this?"_ Al's voice asked.

"_Sorry but we all know that it is the only way to get him to keep his promise… well answer Edo!"_

"… You are the devil… ok fine I'll behave" Ed growled "just get me out of here!"

"Not before you explain what is going on here Fullmetal!" Roy grabbed Ed.

"…well, uh… there is this crazy girl and her evil muse, and they write stories about all of us, and they sometimes even brainwash us… and she likes to kill me… and yeah… it all sounds like I'm crazy doesn't it" Ed explained his voice getting quieter and quieter as he realized just how insane it sounded. "ARE YOU HAPPY NOW ALEX?!"

"_Actually yes, ok Edo you may return to the viewing platform… just remember our deal"_ suddenly a giant eagle swooped down and grabbed Ed picking him up and flying high into the sky.

"So the Devil is named Alex?" Roy wondered just how screwed up his subordinate was.

"She is the devil" Envy nodded yelping as a bold of lightning struck near him burning the words get on with the plot or you will suffer! Into the wood "anyway now that you are down here, er… yeah do all these chores CindeRoy" Envy nodded at Greed who tossed a long list of chores at Roy.

"Why should I do anything you say, Homunculi?!" Roy retaliated.

"…Alex it is not my fault!"

"And yet he responds to the name but seems to hate everything else" Greed mused dusting himself off "Anyway super freak I'm going to go out around town. Later" Greed then left.

"Why does he get to just leave?!" Envy yelled at the sky.

… No answer but a piece of popcorn hit him on the head.

"Screw this! I quit! You can't make me do anything!" Envy shouted storming out the door.

Roy watched all this still thinking that he must be in a very demented dream when he turned around and saw a teen girl behind him. "…uh hello, who are you?" he asked.

"Alex, yes that Alex." She replied seeing Roy's look. "Anyway, I need to fetch Envy back, and add some things to your list." She picked up the paper and scribbled a few new chores down. "I would appreciate it if you would stop staring at me Roy." She said without looking at him as she made her way to the door.

"What is going on here." Roy said not in question form.

"What Ed said, I like to torment you guys, but this is dragging on so I think I will fast forward it soon." she said happily leaving. Suddenly Roy found himself in an apron and had a bucket of soapy water and a mop.

"What?!" Roy asked then a tool box and some wood showed up next to him, followed by a sewing kit and cloths that had holes, then there was a rag with a bottle of Windex, and a toilet scrubber. Other assorted tools to complete chores were piled on top of him burying him. gasping Roy managed to pull himself out of the pile trying to figure out what was going on when he was again knocked to the floor by a pile of paperwork hitting his head, when the stars left his vision he found himself dressed in a pink apron with lacy frill and hearts. "That's it!" Roy growled pulling off the apron "I am out of here!" suddenly the door was blocked by Kimbly.

"Oh no, _Cinde_Roy, you have to do the chores, your brothers and I are going out for now." Kimbly grinned obviously taking great pleasure in this whole thing.

"…brothers?" Roy asked "what brothers… and why does everyone keep calling me that… also I thought you were dead"

"…Envy and Greed are your step brothers… and you have to do what we say, Sparky, so hop to it!" Kimbly laughed "you know I really could learn to like that girl" he continued more to himself. Grinning dangerously again Kimbly left locking Roy in the house.

Roy looked back at the pile and saw that it had doubled and the paperwork tripled every second as he watched. "…" Roy frowned pulling on his glove "I'll show you work" he growled snapping only to see the paperwork grow even faster from the ashes, he snapped a few more times only to have the same result and now the whole building was full of paper, pushing him against the window he had tried to flee from.

The window broke and Roy tumbled into the street with the paper right on top of him, by the time he dug himself out he found that everyone was gathering at a fountain to hear an announcement. Roy decided to go see if he could get any solid answers.

"Come one, Come all!" the speaker shouted standing on a platform, Roy pushed to the front of the crowd to see Havoc holding a paper calling to the people. "Tonight there will be a grand party at the palace, and who knows, the lovely princess may just choose a lucky bachelor to be the new king!" Havoc said "the party is open to anyone with an invitation, available here with me…anyway it will be a lot of fun… and to any ladies out there, I am open and would love to take any one of you!"

The crowd began to disperse and Roy cornered his subordinate "Havoc, what in the world is going on here?"

"Hey Chief… well I'm not entirely sure… but… I'm cool with it! Look the ladies love me!" he grinned as several women came up all asking Havoc out, Roy was further stunned that none of them seemed to want anything to do with him. That is until he saw that his cloths had changed to rags.

"Havoc, stop flirting and help me!" Roy growled.

"Sorry Chief, no can do, but hey find some cloths and here's an invite, maybe that will help you out, come on ladies, did I ever tell you about…" Havoc walked off with the ladies, his stupid pickup lines actually working. Roy looked at the invitation that Havoc had handed him, before it was snatched from him by Greed.

"What do we have here…oooo, Princess huh… she will be mine, and that kingdom thing. And the riches yes!" Greed laughed taking the paper.

"Hey what about me!" Envy growled "where is that punk!" Envy found Havoc receiving an invitation along with Kimbly. Then the three dragged Roy back to the house, which still had paperwork flowing out the windows.

"…Wow" Envy said stunned. "But… how are we supposed to get inside?"

"_Damn it! I totally forgot about that… oh well, I guess I'll clean it up… for now."_ Alex's voice came again from above shortly after the house was again as it had been before Roy woke up.

"…she forgot about getting in the house?" Greed asked before he shook his head and entered going to his room.

"Alright so let's get ready for that party, and CindeRoy you… do this paperwork that seems to have been left." Kimbly said acting like he was the leader.

"And why should I listen to you?" Roy asked. Only he was looking at a wall, and the day had turned to night in a second, leaving Roy in an empty house seeing the three crazy people walking down the street to the palace. "Now what?" Roy growled.

"Uhm… hi, down here!" Roy looked down to see Fury and Fallman in mouse suits and shrunk. "right… well while you were…working sir we made you this" they pulled out a torn up dirty tuxedo from a mouse hole. "…here sir" Fury said looking quite apologetic.

"What happened to you two?" Roy asked.

"…I believe that that girl Alex seems to have some power over us and can pretty much do as she pleases, Sir" Fallman replied saluting him.

"That and she took our money so if we wanted to eat then we had to do this" Fury whined rubbing his empty belly.

"We lost a bet" Fallman elaborated.

"Uhhh…sure ok" Roy said putting on the ugly tux.

"Hey Roy!" Roy flinched hearing that new voice turning to see Hughes behind him in a sparkly white tux. "Have you seen the newest picture of Elicia yet? She is simply to die for, look; look here she is braiding her dolls hair!" he continued pulling out a handful of photos.

"Maes, while I am happy for you and your poor daughter, get that photo out of my face before I torch it." Roy said.

"Well you don't have to be so uptight Roy." Hughes huffed. "Anyway you are totally right why have a photo when she is right here!" he grinned motioning for his daughter dressed as a fairy to come out.

"Hi Uncle Roy!" she said smiling.

"Isn't she the cutest? Come to daddy sweetie!" Hughes gushed picking her up causing her to giggle.

"_Ahem, Hughes, you know she has a job to do, let her do it or I will break your camera… and any other you may get later."_ Alex said from above.

"Rude little… anyway ok sweetie do your thing." Hughes said glaring slightly at the roof.

"'Kay Daddy!" Elicia said nodding then she grabbed Roy's hand "come this way" Roy let himself be led to the back yard followed by Hughes, Fury, Fallman, and Breda who had crawled out of the mouse hole later. "Ok… so you need a magical carriage and horsies!" the girl looked like she was thinking about this hard. Then she waved her pink little wand and the three 'mice' grew to normal size and their costumes turned into single person horse outfits. The child waved the wand a second time and the paperwork Roy had thrown out tuned into a carriage. A third wave and the Tux became clean and whole, looking presentable.

"Alright that was great honey!" Hughes cheered scooping up his daughter. "Ok Roy get in the back"

"But…" Roy was trying to figure out what had happened.

"Hurry or you'll be late" Hughes said sitting in the drivers seat with Elicia next to him.

"_Get in the carriage Roy"_ Alex growled from above.

"…Fine" Roy got in and the three 'horses' started pulling wondering what they had ever done to deserve this.

"Oh and two things Roy, One my lovely daughters work only lasts until midnight. And Two here is your invite" Hughes said handing Roy the paper when they arrived the 'horses' panting for air.

"Whatever," Roy sighed getting out and walking in. the room was crowded full of people from all over town, Roy entered the crowd looking to find a girl but then trumpets blared signaling that the Princess was entering. Roy and every other man, married or not looked up at the large double doors which opened to reveal Hawkeye in a nice black evening dress and her hair down laying nicely over her shoulders.

"Wow" Roy said marveling at how good she looked outside the military uniform and wanting to see her in a miniskirt all the more.

"She is hot!" Greed said behind Roy. Greed wasting no time walked up to her where Barry the Chopper was already shot three times for trying to flirt with her.

"Hey there, I understand that he is a loser, but how about me?" Greed asked.

"Shove off bastard, I'm getting her!" Envy growled pushing Greed to the side.

"Hey, you were that sniper in the war, nice work, wanna dance?" Kimbly asked approaching the other side.

"Anyone who doesn't want a bullet back off" Hawkeye growled pulling out a second gun.

"Feisty I like that!" Barry said getting back up, and getting shot again.

"How did he even get in here?" Greed asked.

"_He, he cause, in the manga it is so funny when after she shoots him he's in love… ha ha I love Barry that's why!"_ Alex explained.

"That explains so much" Envy muttered.

"Hawkeye?! You're the princess?" Roy said finally getting through the crowd to her. "But how? How did she get you?"

"Who?" Riza asked confused.

"Uh… that girl…Alex" Roy said.

"…Oh…" Riza looked away for a moment blushing slightly before she looked back "I don't know what you are talking about Sir, but since it looks like the dancing has started would you?" She asked holding out her hand after putting her guns away.

"Uh…s-sure" Roy stammered caught off guard unaware that the woman could dance.

"Aww that's cheep" Kimbly whined.

"No way he beats me!" Greed growled plotting how to win Hawkeye over.

The other men made similar moans, except Havoc who was quite happy with his harem enjoying it entirely, the three 'horses' that were in the parking lot still resting, and Hughes who was happily dancing with his daughter already.

The party went on and Roy began to lose track of time until Hughes tapped him on the shoulder. "Roy, shouldn't you get going?" he whispered.

"Huh?..." Roy grunted having just gotten some drinks for Hawkeye and himself. "Oh shit!" he growled dropping the drinks and making a run for the parking lot after a glance at the clock.

"Wait Roy!" Riza saw him leaving and tried to stop him grabbing his hand but he pulled out of his glove and fled.

"Damn… wait why did I run?" Roy asked himself when he got back to the house and the 'horses' turned back to 'mice', the carriage to paperwork, and his outfit to rags.

"Dunno, sir" Breda panted.

Later the three evil housemates returned. The next day Havoc was again shouting in the town square, "Gentlemen, the princess wishes to discover the identity of her chosen man, and so all men are to report for a glove fitting."

"Oh this should be good." Envy grinned.

That afternoon found every man that wanted Hawkeye lined up Roy was shoved to the back of the line.

"This is ridiculous, she knows who I am… this makes no sense!" Roy growled pouting at the back of the line, and missing his glove, flinching as he thought of some of these men sticking their dirty oversized hands in his glove.

"Next" Envy stepped up and Havoc put the glove on, Envy shifted his hand to make it fit perfectly, he grinned feeling victorious… but then "now snap" Havoc commanded.

"Uh… well I would but you see…" Envy began knowing full well that the alchemy would not work for him.

"Snap or give up" Hawkeye warned pointing her gun.

"Whatever" Envy growled taking the glove off.

"Next!" Havoc called; finally Roy stepped up slipping on the glove and snapping to release a jet of flame smirking while he did it. "We have a match!" Havoc shouted "way to go boss, you get the princess!"

Roy smirked again walking up to Hawkeye and they entered the palace and they all lived happily ever after.

Or did they?

In reality Hawkeye though she did marry Roy kept him doing his paperwork, and he had even more to do now that he was king. Also he couldn't leave the palace because he would be killed by his evil family and most of the men just looking for his wife as their own.

**Me: Yeah I never liked sappy 'happily ever after' endings this fits.**

**Ed: yeah that was pretty good, but you could have done worse, after all you do to me all the time.**

**Me: Yeah I guess**

**Ed: and you could have worked more on the end, it feels too rushed**

**Me: Well I do need to be crazy on caffeine and sugar to write thi-**

**Ed: and then there is the fact that there are some serious flaws in the writing, it looks like a monkey typed it.**

**Me: …Edo, any one ever tell you not to mouth off to the one who controls your fate?**

**Ed: what are you getting at?**

**Me: *grins darkly* oh Edo there are more of these to come you know. And I dunno, there are plenty of Edo torture ideas to fill my head.**

**Ed: uh… Yay Alex Rocks!**

**Me: No one likes an ass kisser Ed**

**Ed: crap… I hate you**


	3. The Wizard of Amisteris

**Me: hi well this time it is due to my drama class inspiring me, Xilon only had the idea to put FMA in it like this.**

**Ed: so about what I said the other time, you know in CindeRoy, you know I was kidding right?**

**Me: my why so panicky Ed?**

**Ed: because I've seen the damn movie and I will kill you if you—**

**Me: Edo, don't give it away yet, if a reader actually happens to read this first you will spoil it! And anyway death threats are no way to apologize Edward.**

**Ed: you're gonna do… **_**it**_**… anyway aren't you…**

**Me: why of course, I owe it to the readers, and no one else will do really.**

**Ed: have I mentioned that I hate you?**

**Me: often, well anyway you all know the drill I do not own the rights to FMA nor do I own the basis of this fiction's plot, enjoy!**

Ch. 3. The Wizard of Amisteris 

Kain Fury walked down the dirt road, wondering where he was and how he got here. He vaguely remembered the past chapter and hoped that this would end better for him than puling a cart like a horse. He was however distracted by a small sound that came from a bush to the side of the road.

"Huh? Hello?" he called approaching the bush. It rustled and out bounded Black Hayate, Hawkeye's dog. The dog jumped up and licked Kain's face barking happily. "What are you doing here boy?" Fury asked petting the dog, he loved dogs, they were nice and friendly and he was happy.

Fury looked up when he heard another, much louder noise and then his eyes got huge as he saw a tornado coming at him. He picked up Hayate and ran finding a conveniently placed house that he hoped would stand up against the storm. He closed the door trying to bar it with his body as the wind picked the house up and the dog barked hysterically.

Suddenly a huge gust of wind blew open the door sending poor Kain to the ground banging his head hard against the floor temporarily losing consciousness. Meanwhile the house landed with a thud.

Kain woke up as Hayate licked his face; he sat up and fixed his glasses looking around. He looked out the door and saw a small town, with tiny houses. "Where am I now?" Kain wondered out loud.

"I hate you Alex, and I am not saying the damn line you got that! Never ever, ever!" Fury heard Ed shout seeing the teen standing in the middle of the court shouting at the sky. "And what the hell did you do to Al I haven't seen him since this started!"

"Hi Edward" Kain said walking up, though keeping a distance from the irate boy.

Ed looked at him like he had just noticed that he was not alone down in the world Alex created.

"_Edo, please, there aren't too many lines, say them and be done with it"_ Alex said.

"Like hell I will, it is never happening" Ed growled.

"_What is?"_ Alex asked.

"You know what!"

"_Now you are just being silly Edward, I control your world right now, but I can't read your mind, I'm not the omnipotent narrator"_

"You know what! I'll never say 'Welcome to munchkin land, I'm a munchkin and you just landed your house on the evil witch. Thank you hero!'" Ed shouted, then he covered his mouth eyes wide realizing that he had in fact just said it. "I hate you!" he screeched.

"_Well now, that worked better than I had hoped, thanks for the tip Winry"_ Alex said.

Ed's eye twitched and Kain just backed away slowly now wishing to get caught in Ed's wrath. "Winry you sold me out!" Ed shouted feeling betrayed.

"Sorry Ed, but she gave me a _really really super nice _tool set." Winry said walking up from behind. She was dressed in a large sparkly pink and white dress.

"…what are you wearing?" Ed asked blinking in surprise.

"Uh… well I'm supposed to be the good witch… but I don't see how I could work in this thing…" Winry said looking her outfit over. "I'll be right back." Winry left and returned a few minutes later in her normal work outfit.

"Is it safe yet?" Fury who for a little while had been forgotten even though he was given the main role in the story asked.

"As long as your name is not Alex" Ed growled glaring at the sky again.

"So...Uh … what is going on… where are we?"

Ed shot a glare at Fury making him flinch and hold Hayate closer for protection.

"Oh right!" Winry said remembering her role. "Uh Kain, you have landed your house on Envy the wicked witch that terrorized…" she paused glancing at Ed "the munchkins" Ed glowered but didn't otherwise react though he was likely planning a terrible death for the author. "As your reward take the ruby boots…. Ruby boots?"

"_Well slippers sounded too girly"_

"Yet you make me a munchkin?!" Ed screamed at the injustice.

"_Well not exactly, I cast you as such; I'm not the one who made you short to begin with"_

"I hate you"

"Anyway, er, here take them" Winry bravely continued her line giving the ruby boots to poor traumatized Fury.

"Er, thanks but what I really want is to get back home… or better yet somewhere where Alex can't find me"

"Uhm… well I can't help you, but maybe the wizard of Amisteris can."

"Er… how do I find this wizard?"

"Magic doesn't exist Fury" Ed growled.

"Just follow the yellow brick road" Winry said.

"Follow the yellow brick road?" Fury asked.

"Follow the--"

"Alright must we go through this?" Ed interrupted the two who were hitting a sort of acting stride.

"_I am in agreement with Ed, let's move along now" _Alex said from her safe and Ed proof platform.

"Wait a second!" a new voice said and in a poof of black smoke appeared Dante in Lyra's body "those slippers came from my transvestite son/daughter/slave and so they should be mine!"

"Uh... They are boots, not slippers" Fury said, he had no idea who she was.

"…really? I thought they were slippers"

"Nope, Alex changed it" Winry said. Poor Ed banged his head on one of the tiny houses hopping to give him a concussion.

"Oh well, anyway they are mine!"

"Sure here you go!" Fury said offering them.

"No you can't!" Winry said.

"Why not, ruby isn't my color" Fury asked.

"Uh… Alex why can't he give them over?"

"_er… well you see those boots aren't ruby, they are philosopher stone boots, ruby just sounds better, and if Dante the wicked witch of the west gets them then she will be all powerful and take over the world with her flying monkey army"_

"Because that makes sense" Ed moaned.

"What happened to my homunculi? Where did flying monkeys come from? I don't do chimeras?"

"_Uh, well envy is mush… even if he is a shape shifter and well… I like flying monkeys so shut up and deal with it!" _Alex shouted.

"Any way yes, me and my monkeys need those boots for world domination." Dante said.

"Uhm… well I don't know how or why but they got on my feet and won't come off so, sorry" Fury said struggling with the boots.

"Very well be that way, I'll be back and I'll get you and your little dog too!" Dante shouted disappearing much as she had appeared only with evil laughter.

"Why me?" Fury asked himself. Hayate barked trotting down the yellow brick road before pausing to look back.

"Hey wait, can I have those boots?" Ed asked "I mean I've been looking all over for the Philosophers stone and you're wearing them."

"_Er, no Ed those are Fury's boots, but hey I'm feeling the will to live so I will alter the story so you can go to the Wizard and ask for some inches"_

"… fine but you better not be joking with me" Ed reluctantly agreed. And so with that settled Fury, Ed, and Hayate started walking down the yellow brick road.

~One stupid annoying can't get out of your head for a week song later~

"How the hell did she get us to skip and sing?" Ed asked.

"I don't know"

"We must never speak of this again"

"Agreed" Fury nodded but looked up seeing Ed stop.

"Have I mentioned that I hate Alex?" Ed asked

"Yes, yes you have"

"I hate her so much, which way do we go, why the hell is there a damn fork in the stupid road?!"

"Maybe Hayate knows"

"How would the dog know?"

"It was just an idea" Fury said.

"Hey you know, as much as I may like hearing you curse Alex, could you guys get me down from here?" both Fury and Ed turned and only then noticed the scarecrow that looked an awful lot like Havoc in the field splitting the road.

"Oh wow, that looks just like Havoc!" Fury said. Ed glanced at Fury wondering if he wasn't the one who needed a brain.

"Er, Fury I think it is Havoc."

"It is me… please, I can't feel my toes."

"Oh right sorry sir," Fury said and helped Ed get Havoc down.

"Hey Havoc, you wouldn't happen to know which way is to the Wizard would you?" Ed asked.

"Uhm… well" Havoc looked down both roads "I did"

"You did?" both Ed and Fury asked.

"But my date dumped me and hung me up there saying I was a pervert… and I got hit in the head… so uh sorry"

"…I hate Alex"

"_What! Hey that was my brother's idea, I was going to make Ling be the scarecrow, but no, my brother read the part in the manga where Havoc and Roy face Lust and he said that if Havoc ever wanted to have a real and safe girlfriend than he needed a brain… and well he had a point."_

"Oh so there are more of you evil people!" Ed growled.

"Uh hey wait I think I remember!" Havoc said. He looked down both paths and deduced that the right hand path was yellow while the left hand path was amber, so if they had to follow the yellow brick road they had to go right.

"…both roads look the same to me" Fury said.

"I know me too, hey maybe we should take the left, Havoc is obviously impaired and this is just the sort of thing Alex would do to trick us"

"But what if she knew that you would know that she would do that?" Fury asked

"Hmm, then left?"

"But then there is the chance that she would know that you would know that she would know that you would know that…" Havoc added.

"Arg! Why can't anything in my life be simple!" Ed shouted. He stood up and looked down both roads then he took a deep breath while the two adults and the dog watched expectantly.

"Inny, minny, minne, mo, catch a tiger by its toe, if it hollers let it go, inny, minny, minne, mo, my mother said to pick the very best one and you are not it!" Ed chanted switching which road he pointed at with every syllable. Finally the finger came to point down the right hand path. "Alright that settles it we go left!" Ed declared.

"Are you sure? Ed that doesn't seem scientific" Fury said.

"Shut up, go right for all I care" Ed growled. Fury and Havoc looked at each other until Hayate bounded after Ed.

"Hey Ed wait up, wait for us" they called chasing after the teen.

~a repeat of the stupid song later~

"How much longer do we have to walk…?" Fury asked "these boots are making my feet hurt"

"I'm hungry" Ed moaned as his stomach growled for the tenth time.

"… I need a girlfriend" Havoc sighed.

"Brain!" Ed and Fury reminded.

"Er… right, brain… sure"

"Hey look apples! Let's eat!" Ed said letting his bottomless teen boy stomach take control as he rushed up to a tree to pick a nice red apple.

"Wait Ed!" the two adults said just before the tree moved and snatched Ed's legs from under him holding him upside down.

"Whoa! What the heck is going on?!" Ed yelped as the tree shook him.

"Those are my apples!" the tree growled "how would you like it if I pulled things off you?"

"But I'm hungry and you're just a tree!" Ed said stubbornly.

"Just a tree!" the tree roared in anger shaking Ed roughly. The adults were too scared of the talking tree to try to save Ed.

"Whoa! Hey, stop it!" Ed yelped.

"Just a tree?! Well you are just a human!" the tree continued shaking Ed even harder now.

"Stop it!" Ed screamed "I'll turn… Whoa… you into …. Hey... toothpicks!"

"Ed!" the two Adults shouted while the dog barked and ran around happily.

Ed managed between being swung to bring his hands together and put them on the branch holding him, true to his word the tree was transmuted into toothpicks except the apples, they stayed the same, Ed fell on his head though.

"Oww" Ed groaned sitting up before snagging an apple and taking a big bite.

"You ok chief?" Havoc asked running up to Ed now that the danger was over.

"Yep" Ed said munching on the apple.

"Let's just get out of this crazy forest soon." Fury said looking around.

After Ed had eaten ten apples the small group set off again.

"Hey did you two hear something?" Ed asked stopping suddenly looking around after a little bit.

"…no" Fury said looking around too.

"No wait I thought I heard something too" Havoc said.

"Over here!" Ed said dashing between some trees.

"Wait Ed, remember what happened last time!" Havoc and Fury shouted running after him.

"Al!!" Ed screamed coming to a sudden stop causing the adults to crash into him. Al stood in the forest rusted frozen. "I will kill Alex for this!" Ed growled clapping his hands together and putting them on Al dissipating the rust.

"Thank you Brother!" Al said hugging Ed as soon as he could move.

"Come on Al let's go" Ed said looking around for Alex or another of her plot devices.

"Right" Al agreed following the group as they all headed to the Wizard of Amisteris.

"Hey Alphonse isn't the tin man supposed to need a heart?" Havoc asked.

"Are you calling Al heartless?!" Ed growled. Havoc raised his hands in surrender.

"No, no Ed never! I was just saying…"

"_Edo honestly you said you've seen the movie"_ Alex groaned _"the things the characters need are actually within them all along!"_

" Uh huh… hey wait! What about that promised growth spurt!" Ed said.

"_So you admit it then"_

"Admit what?"

"_Never mind, how about this, Al instead of a heart needs a body ok?"_

"I can live with that, if you keep your promise" Ed grumbled.

~once again, an annoying song number later~

"Are we going the right way?" Al asked looking around as the forest became darker.

"I think so" Fury said.

"We haven't come to any more forks" Havoc said.

"I just hope there aren't any chimeras in this forest, that would be just like her" Ed groaned.

"Rar"

"What was that?" everyone asked together looking around.

"Rar, Rar"

"… That sounds like" Ed began.

"A LION!" Fury screamed jumping in fright.

"No, I was going to say… is that Breda?" Ed asked turning to face Fury and saw Breda in a very fake lion costume.

"Rar, I don't know this Breda I'm a scary lion" Breda replied.

"Right" Havoc sighed.

"Breda?" Fury asked poking his head from behind Al.

At that moment Black Hayate went up to Breda and barked happily.

"Ahhh! No!" Breda screamed climbing the nearest tree.

"Breda, it is just a dog." Fury said.

"Yeah, that will turn on you!" Breda said.

"Hayate is a good dog, he's like the only one that doesn't jump on brother" Al said.

"Thanks Al" Ed growled.

"Just put him away or something." Breda said.

Havoc sighed "well I guess we don't have much of a choice, Al let's put him in you"

"Hey! My brother is not a kennel!" Ed shouted.

"It's ok brother, I don't mind" Al said picking up the dog and slipping Hayate into his armor.

"See it's safe now" Havoc said to Breda.

"Yeah sure" Breda said coming down.

"I hope we get to the Wizard soon my feet are killing me" Fury mumbled as the group set off.

~you get the idea~

"Hey look! That must be the Emerald city!" Havoc said pointing to the green city across a red poppy field.

"Emerald City… I don't remember looking for an Emerald City" Ed groaned.

"Well it's where the Wizard lives! Everyone knows that!" Breda said.

"Right" Ed sighed "well then what are we waiting for?"

"Let's go!" Fury dashed ahead really wanting the shoes off.

"Wait up!" the others called running after.

About halfway through the field everyone except Al started to slow down. Al slowed too thinking that they had just gotten a little tired until Ed fell over.

"Brother!" Al said alarmed catching Ed before he hit the ground.

"'mmm ok Al… just gonna take a nap" Ed mumbled in reassurance before falling asleep leaving Al very confused holding him.

"Uh what? Hey guys…." Al looked to the adults only to see them also falling asleep. Fury was curled up on his side snoring peacefully, Havoc and Breda were back to back leaning on each other dozing off.

Al lay his brother down and shook Fury a little trying to wake him.

"Mmm five more minutes…" Fury mumbled rolling over.

"… Breda, Havoc… anyone I don't have a good feeling about this…" Al said looking around, inside the armor Hayate was asleep too.

"MUAHA HAHAHA HA!" in a poof of black smoke Dante appeared with a mask over her nose and mouth. "They will never wake up! These poison poppies will keep them asleep until they die!" she said laughing.

"No!" Al said startled and worried for all of them.

"Yes! I win!" Dante said before disappearing in another poof of black smoke, and it began to rain.

Al looked around wondering how he would get them all out of the field before anything happened and he rusted while he tried to wake even one of them. "Please somebody… help me…" Al moaned out loud.

A pink bubble appeared and then floated off and the rain turned to snow falling softly. Al looked around at least now he wouldn't rust

"Nghhh… Al?" Ed groaned waking up slowly.

"Brother! You're ok"

"Yeah… why wouldn't I be?" Ed asked confused.

"Where am I?" Havoc asked waking up himself Fury rubbed his eyes and Breda was yawning and stretching out.

"you all fell asleep, and Dante said you'd die, and then it started to rain, and I thought I was going to rust over again, but then it started snowing" Al said glad that everything seemed to be ok now.

"… whatever let's just get to the city already" Ed said standing up.

"Right!" everyone agreed and they took off running again.

They came to a large gate that was closed. "So how do we get in?" Havoc asked.

"Look a doorbell!" Breda said pushing it. They all heard a loud bell ring inside the wall and soon a small hatch opened and Roy looked out.

"What are you all doing?" he asked.

"We want to see the Wizard sir" Fury said.

"No one sees the wizard, not no way, not no how." Roy said looking like he was in pain.

"Why are you talking weird?" Ed asked.

"…Alex…" Roy said.

"Ahhh" the whole group nodded in sympathy.

"Anyway, read the sign" Roy said.

"What sign?" Breda asked.

"Oh, of course" Roy groaned putting out a sign and closing the hatch.

"Doorbell broken… please knock" Havoc read out loud"

"Whatever" Ed groaned knocking on the door.

The hatch opened again "what do you want?"

"…to see the Wizard" Al said unsure of this.

"… Do you have an invitation?"

"Uh… I've got these boots?" Fury said pointing to the very uncomfortable footwear.

"Oh well why didn't you say so come in" Roy groaned and opened the door.

"Go down the hall, I'm going home" Roy said leaving.

The group headed down the hall and found themselves in a large room.

"Who's here to see the Wizard?" a voice boomed and flames burst from the podium a giant floating green head appearing within.

"Us" Ed said not at all intimidated, unlike Breda and Fury who were holding each other for dear life.

"… uh who is 'us'…" the head said.

"Who are you?" Ed asked.

"The great and terrible Wizard of Amisteris!"

"Right, ok" Ed said "look Alex said you could make me taller and get my brother his body back."

"…Hey I want to go home!" Fury said.

"I need a girlfriend!" Havoc said before being elbowed by Breda who was nearest to him "I mean brains"

"And I need courage" Breda said.

"I see, well then, I can grant you all your wishes, but first you have to destroy the Wicked Witch of the West for me" the Wizard said.

"Hey if you are so powerful then why don't you do it yourself?!" Ed growled tired of this story.

"…the Wizard has spoken!" the Wizard boomed and disappeared.

"Great" Ed groaned.

"I guess we should get going then, huh?" Al said.

"I don't want to walk anymore!" Fury moaned as the group trooped out of the room and toward the lair of the evil witch.

~yadda, yadda, yadda~

"Why is the evil lair always in some dark, dead, depressing, mountainous, place?" Breda asked looking around the gloomy path they were on.

"Because I believe it is foreshadowing" Havoc said.

"Great, now you sound like Falman" Breda said.

"Oh no not that!" Havoc said worried.

"Shut up" Ed growled.

"Be nice Ed" Al replied.

Suddenly five flying monkeys swooped down, one looking like Pride, Lust, Gluttony, Wrath, and Sloth respectively, and started to attack the group.

After the fight Havoc and Breda were knocked out, and Ed was tied up hanging upside down from a tree unable to transmute. Al was half eaten by Gluttony and unable to help. Fury and Hayate had been taken away.

"Brother are you ok?" Al asked looking up at his brother, about the only thing he could do without limbs.

"Fine… I hope they wake up soon I can't get down" Ed growled swinging as he struggled. "As soon as I get down I'll fix you Al don't worry"

"I hope Fury and Hayate are ok"

"Right that too" Ed said still struggling trying to bite the ropes now and chew through them.

After a little bit Havoc and Breda came to just as Ed managed to chew through the rope and fell on top of Havoc.

"Ow Ed that hurt" Havoc groaned.

"My head" Ed moaned sitting up and spitting rope fibers from his mouth. "Let's fix you up Al," Ed said standing up. He found a convenently placed pile of various metals and took some to make up for Al's limbs. Then transmuted Al back to normal.

"We have to help Fury" Breda said after the brothers made sure the other was really as ok as he said.

"Right let's go!" Ed said as the group rushed to rescue Fury from Dante.

~meanwhile in the evil castle of the evil Dante and her deranged flying monkey homunculi~

"What do you want me for!" Fury asked.

"You have the ruby slip… er boots and I want them." Dante said.

"But I can't take them off I've already told you that!"

"Not while you're alive they won't"

"You're going to kill me?!" Fury squeaked.

"Yeah, it's kind of what I do, evil and all you see" Dante replied bored.

"Please I just want to go home I never asked for this" Fury sobbed

"No? Oh well" Dante said disinterestedly turning over a large hourglass with red sand "when the sand runs out so will your life" she said leaving and locking the door.

"I just want to go home!" Fury said sitting down starring at the falling sand.

Shortly after he stood up hearing a commotion out in the hall before the door was blown up. Fury looked up to see Ed and the rest of the group. "I'm saved" he cried with joy.

Then the sound of boots from the stairs caused them all to start and decide to run rather than fight more guards. They ran right into Dante.

"Where do you think you're going?" she asked.

"Away from here" Fury answered honestly.

"Not so fast" she growled approaching them, then Hayate jumped on her biting her hand.

"Ha! Told you they attack you!" Breda shouted while Dante swung at Hayate.

"Leave him alone!" Fury and Al shouted at the same time grabbing the nearest thing they could, each grabbed a bucket of mop water and threw it at Dante.

"No what have you done!" Dante shrieked as Hayate released from her and trotted back to the group shaking the water off on the group.

"So you got wet" Ed said frowning at the dog that just shook of most of the water on him. "I'm wet too"

"I'm melting!" she shrieked.

"No one melts from water" Ed said wringing out his coat.

"Um brother… she is melting" Al said watching it.

"Huh?" Ed looked up and watched with the rest of the group as Dante physically melted.

"Wow"

"Imagine that"

"Yeah"

"Huh, don't see that everyday"

"You can say that again"

"Well she's dead let's go see that lazy Wizard" Ed said walking off.

"Wait up!" the others called running after him again.

~back in the Emerald City~

"Hey Wizard we killed the witch now give us our reward!" Ed shouted to the room.

"Brother!" Al scolded.

"So you have!" the flames exploded and the face appeared.

"Well?" Fury asked.

"… I can't help you"

"Arg! Quit jerking me around I'll kill you!" Ed roared prevented from running at the face by Al who held him back, in the process dropping Hayate.

Hayate ran forward and pulled at a curtain.

"Hey no, bad dog down" the Wizard said causing the group to look at the curtain curiously. Then Hayate pulled aside the curtain reviling Hughes behind the curtain.

"Hughes!" they all said in shock.

Hughes turned to glance at them before turning back to his machine "pay no attention to the man behind the curtain, incidentally have you seen the latest picture of my daughter?" the face was replaced by a huge picture of Elisia.

"What are you doing back there major?" Ed asked.

"… um I'm the Wizard, Ed" Hughes said leaving the machine.

"So you really can't help us?"

"Er… no sorry"

"Aw man!"

"_Hang on a minute, Hughes you can so"_

"I can?"

"He can?"

"_He can."_

"Oh right I can!" Hughes said, first of all let me get my bag. He rummaged around and pulled out a large canvas bag.

"For you Havoc, a dictionary, you can study!" Hughes said

"Joy" Havoc moaned.

"For you Breda, a badge of courage… as long as it's not dogs"

"… Right"

"Here Ed your own Philosophers stone to restore you and your brother"

"Sweet!" Ed snatched it and went to Al to fix him first.

"Uh what about me?" Fury asked.

"Er… the bag is empty" Hughes said holding it upside down.

"So I'm stuck here?"

"No wait! I have a hot air balloon!" Hughes said. Everyone looked at him strangely. "What?"

"Nothing"

A couple minutes later everyone was at the balloon launch, Ed was three inches taller, Al restored and the giant balloon that looked like Elisia's head was ready for takeoff.

Everyone piled in ready to go home when Fury had to take a bathroom break.

"Hurry up it's going to go without you!" Havoc called as Fury dashed to the men's room.

When he got out he saw the balloon already air born. "Wait!"

"Sorry the wind blew us away" Hughes called. Fury sat on the steps to cry.

Then Winry showed up. "Why are you crying?" she asked reading from the script.

"I got left behind and now I have no way of getting home."

"But you have the boots"

"I'm not an alchemist"

"Alex lied, they are wishing ruby boots not philosopher stone boots…" Winry felt ridiculous saying that.

"…uh huh, well I saw someone melt from water, I'll bite how do I make a wish?"

"…click your heals three times and say 'there's no place like home'"

"… Will it work"

"I have no idea"

"I guess it couldn't hurt"

"That's the spirit!"

Fury stood up and took a deep breath and did as he was told. When he opened his eyes he was back in the normal office at his desk.

"Quite a dream eh, Fury" Havoc grinned at him.

"… Dream?" fury repeated.

"… yeah you were asleep and moaning" Breda said.

"Back to work all of you!" Hawkeye warned.

"Yes ma'am" the three solders said getting back to work.

The end.

**Envy: You squished me?!**

**Me: would you rather be the wolf again?**

**Envy: … not really**

**Me: thought so, anyway where did Edo go?**

**Ed: I'm right here!**

**Me: (looking down to see Ed three inches shorter than normal) oh wow, guess it did have a side effect on you.**

**Ed: you think?!**

**Me: hey it came with a warning.**

**Ed: this is your fault! Fix it; you make up the ridiculous rules in this bizarre universe!**

**Me: oh hey I could do that story thanks Ed!**

**Ed: … what story?**

**Me: you'll see, in perhaps two chapters, I already know what I'm gonna do for the next one.**

**Ed: hey fix me damn it!**

**Me: in a minute Edo, I'm thinking of that new inspiration, and of course the next chapter.**

**Envy: am I in it?**

**Me: no, maybe the one Edo inspired me to just now but not the next one, and it should be shorter, the next one that is… well this is a long one anyway… to my lovely readers thank you I will try to get that lazy muse of mine in proper gear so that I do not have to rely on sugar and boredom to inspire me.**

**Oh and see that button at the bottom… push it… you know you want too**


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